Couples in therapy split up more often than you might think. Couples therapy has a horrible track record for two reasons: one is that the couple usually waits far too long to seek help, long after arguments have gotten out of hand and the dyad has drifted in directions that can’t be saved. The other is that “therapy success” is often measured by whether or not the couple stays together. Unfortunately couples often arrive for therapy with some knowledge that the relationship is either hanging by a thread or even that one or both members is seeking a sort of permission to dissolve the connection. In this case a good therapist helps the couple to acknowledge that separation is the best course of action and that it can be done somewhat amicably and respectfully.
“Sometimes all you can do is give your blessing to a couple that it’s time to move on,” she said. “There’s no shame in that and it’s your professional obligation to do so.” Some might view this as a controversial take on marital therapy, especially Christian counselors, but the reality is it’s unethical to try to force a square peg into a round hole. If people are miserable together, the shrink’s position is to help them separate and live happier lives apart.
Depending on where you get your numbers, one in two new marriages ultimately end up in divorce. Statistics are dubious entities and this number can vary wildly depending on your source, but even as a simple approximation, a 50% divorce rate is a scary proposition. There is some fluctuation in this number depending on certain demographics: a lower divorce rate is seen in those who are college-educated, as well as those who wait until they are over age 30 before getting married. If you marry in your teens or early 20’s your risk of the relationship dissolving goes through the roof.
What makes this “1 in 2″ figure even more sobering is the implication that the 50% of marriages that remain intact are happy ones. I see both individuals and couples who remain in the relationships for a plethora of reasons: financial, religious, a belief that it benefits the children, a belief that one doesn’t deserve better, fear of being alone or simply a lack of desire to deal with the legal red tape. If we look for the number of “successful” marriages that include both a formal retainer as well as mutual satisfaction we are considering a fairly low number that hasn’t been well established in the clinical literature.
With respect to obvious precipitating factors for divorce such as abuse, addictions or adultery, let’s focus on some of the most salient reasons why marriage can be such a difficult business, as well as some things that can help those relationships thrive:
1) Marriage requires compatibility not just at the point of saying ‘I do,’ but across the entire life span.
2) Assuming that marriage implies monogamy, the institution itself is counterintuitive to biology.
3) There is far too much emphasis on ‘weddings’ as opposed to ‘marriages.’
4) Many couples do not know how to fight fairly.
5) Marriages solve problems.
6) People settle for less than what they want.
7) Couples assume they are immune to reasons 1-6 and believe that hard work isn’t part of the deal. They think that love, sex, children or some combination thereof will be enough.
The goal of this post isn’t to create a ‘doom and gloom’ notion of marriage. In fact, successfully married couples often tell me it’s the greatest decision they’ve ever made. Rather, this information is to empower people who are considering marriage and to help those who are struggling with their current marriage take a fresh view at what might need to be done. For those who can’t seem to move past their problems in their relationships, for whatever reason, I would recommend seeing a professional therapist with some experience in working with couples. As mentioned previously, the sooner you can begin that process, the better, as my personal experience has shown that couples who don’t wait to seek out help have better outcomes than those who come in as a last resort. Rarely does a person say that saying a marital therapist prove pointless, even if he/she can only say “this helped me to see that it wasn’t going to work out between us.” I would also recommend an excellent book entitled Love is Never Enough by Aaron Beck. This is a practical guide to helping couples navigate through communication problems commonly seen in committed relationships.
* Why this is the case is not entirely clear, but many believe there is a strong biochemical component to this.
